Update. Real Brief.

I love art really I do but somedays I just don't have the motivation. Today isn't one of those days however, I just finished a project and am ready to start another. Oh boy do I love art classes. They motivate me to keep up with my art... mainly because if I don't I will FAIL the class. No worries though. I enjoy it.

Okay so old feelings are coming back and here I am back to where I started. Feelings of sadness and loneliness; I think I am an attention freak. Ha! Can you imagine? I am sad to get attention... Well, I suppose that makes sense. Eh.

Today I finished my continuous line drawing and am going to start my negative space drawing. It has to be plants and I'm fairly excited for this one. =) I really enjoy the Saturday class, 5 hours long pure drawing time. It is AWESOME!! *mind explodes* XD

I want my hair long again so I can curl it and make it pretty.

I've decided I want a Victorian clothing and jewelry shop. Wouldn't that be splendid?? I think so.

Until next time.

Acceptance

I enjoy the silence of being alone. Something about it has always made me feel safe and secure. No one with me to pass judgement. I guess that's something about myself that I really ought to take notice of: my self-esteem. I always feel like I'm going to be judged, that I have to be absolutely perfect in order for anyone to like me. Like the new job, I'm still getting the hang of it but here I am worrying if any of the other employees enjoy my company. I think that they don't, they may despise me. Nevertheless, I am trying to push aside all these doubts and make the best of my new work place. I really am addicted to work. I think if I had a job where it came home with me I'd be a workaholic. I can already see myself as an architect...kind of like Adam Sandler in the movie Click.


But hopefully I won't scare away the three people (well two to be exact) in my life that are keeping me sane and happy:
Mary. She's my number one friend in the whole world. Without her I wouldn't be the same person. She's taught me plenty life lessons even though she's younger than me. I can truly look up to her. Sure she's not in school and she smokes the ganja. But the one thing is, she's not afraid to be herself, to be Mary. Me, on the other hand, I create a mask for people. Mary knew that school wasn't for her, she knows who she is and you can tell instantly that she knows and that she's happy with it. I want to be like her one day. I want to be someone who accepts themselves for who they are.
Then there's Selene. She's an iguana. Only a year and a half but I love her. She is absolutely adorable and sweet. I never want anything bad to ever happen to her. We have built a relationship with each other and seeing that we have come this far only means there is much more progress and love to be acquired. She started off scared and skittish, not really trusting me but now I clean her cage, feed her fresh fruits and veggies. And she doesn't mind. She likes me for who I am. She knows she can trust me with her life. And that right there is special. It's a bond that I intend to nurture.
Lastly, Justin. If there were any person to be perfect if would be him, Justin Gleen. I've never really cared if I was with somebody but boy oh boy do I now. One hour away and I'm only wanting to see him. I've spent every waking second with this man for the past year (we've been dating two years) and have not once grown tired of him. Nor have I had second doubts. I love him and he loves me. Around him I don't have to be anyone else. I can truly be myself and he loves it. We laugh at all hours of the night. At three in the morning we could be up making up silly phrases. jokes, or games and just laugh until the sun comes up. I know with him that I don't have to be afraid. I know he accepts me and that anything I do will not weird him out. He truly likes the real me. He doesn't care if I'm perfect.
He loves me. I love him.

I guess that's all really. Nothing too crazy. Just writing away, as if this were my journal. So if my writing style bothers you.... Well, I don't really care.
I'm happy. 'Nuff said.

So this last guy I was talking about.
Started off great. Was funny. I liked him A LOT. He knew it too. Told me that we shouldn't get too close because he didn't want to leave me heartbroken. Stupid here doesn't care. She just wants a chance to be with him. All the while he was here he made me feel beautiful. Was completely happy with myself. No insecurities. Nothing. It was great. Loved it. Being with him was so much fun. =)
Memories. They eat me inside. Ah so painful.
In truth. I don't miss the relationship. I just miss him. I miss talking to him and seeing him.
I miss my friend.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

But like he always said, "be happy that it happened rather than it never did."
Truth.

John

Oh boy. For me this name has been paired with a bad person. Two three times before. HOWEVER, that does not mean I have not met some great Johns. I have one friend named John and he is so dang funny and is a wonderful friend.

Call it prejudice if you will. To some extent I guess it is.

1. John Bartley. My father. I, personally have nothing against this man. I never got to know the man. So how can I hold a grudge against somebody I don't even know. (It's like they don't exist.) He cheated on my mother... Ok, so that hatred should be hers alone. But no, my sister hates him too, even though she was like 7 when this happened. I never got to know him as I said before and I'll never be angry about it but rather I'm just curios... What if he was in my life? But never mind that. To me he seemed like a descent human being (more than my mum...). But the only thing I ever feel is this empty void wishing I could have gotten to know my father. I don't think he's dead or anything but he might as well be to me....

2. John Brooks? I think that was his last name. An ex of mine. At the time he was my best-friend's boyfriend's best-friend. And so they talked me into dating him. He was really sweet, however, his parents had taken him out of school (made him drop out) and John said it was because they hated him, logical reasoning it seemed. Unfortunately, I was extremely busy during the time we were dating and didn't get to see him as often as I would have wanted to. I remember this one time he had wanted to plan a romantic date at the park and stuff... (can't remember the details... all I know is that he wanted me alone.) Anywho, let's fast-forward a month or so ahead. He calls his bestie saying he never wants to see me again (I guess I broke up with him without ever knowing it... I'm not exactly sure.)

So the years go by and now my best-friend tells me that she learned some interesting news about him. Turns out, he had gotten "kicked out" of his parents house and went to live with her (my best-friend) ex [yes, they did in fact break up after a year and a half]. The father of her ex thought it fishy and asked the police to bring up files on him. Turns out once he turned of a certain age he was supposed to go to jail. Why you ask? Well... turns out since he was about 12 or so he had been raping little girls. Yeah. Nice little fact that I had to learn.... He had been doing this all during the time of our relationship, too. So now, I can add this guy to my list of Johns.



*To be honest, it's not a long list. Only three. But only really two that I regret.*

3. __________________. He dare not be mentioned. Short and simple: he played with my mind. Made me feel important (rather unique). He left and that's the end. Mentally screwed me.

And. That is the end of what I've got to say.
I could talk forever about this last fellow. But maybe another day.

Been a while. . .

Been about two years since my last poem post. Ha! Things have certainly changed since then. For one I have a more love for life! And also I am the same person yet I am different. All that I really mean to say is that I have matured. I mean I'm still young and complain about dumb things but I mean who doesn't?
I have a job. Two actually. My first job is that of a hostess, but right now I am on temporarily leave. And the other is a Pet Care Specialist at PetSmart. I really like that one, it's a whole different environment than in a restaurant with angry people and their stupid food. 


Anywho, being on here is just so relaxing almost. I feel like I can poor out my inner darkest feelings without being judged.... Well I may be judged but I'm not there to feel the resentment or whatever. And with no one ever posting comments it's like no one is there anyway. My boyfriend never reads these anyway so it's like all the thoughts in my brain can be poured out safely without the fear of being crucified. 


My junior year of high school I finally found the perfect guy. Well I like to call him perfect. =) And now I've been with him for about two years. These have been some of the best moments in my life. (Just lying in bed laughing.) Umm, so Evy (you know the guy I was madly in love with for about two years or so, read the old blog that is still up to catch you up to date) is very much alone now. And I can actually talk to him like a regular human being. But know he only wants to get with me.... My, my how the tables have turned! Also, I started college which is okay right now. Tried an art college but no thanks. Not what I really want to do with my life. I'm thinking architecture though. I mean people always need houses and buildings to be built and with my artistic capabilities I would find it rather fun to create new living spaces for everybody. But we'll see how that goes. Maybe well maybe not. 


Anyway, my tummy is hungry and I'm tired. 


Next, the name John.


It's stupid... (but then again my father's name was John...and I never got to know him the way I wanted to.) <--this is when this overwhelming sadness takes over me (and the music in the background is just so fitting haha!).

"Mr.Puppeteer"

We are not friends and I don't want to be less than that. I don't think you understand. I want to be more than just that, it's been that way for a long time already. I know you see it. You like to lie to me and tell me the same. But when you don't get the answer you want, you kill me off. What am I to you? A puppet? Well, I'm cutting my strings. I am free, I hope you don't find me. You can't see in the dark. You're color blind. I'm bleeding but you just slip on what seems to be my blood. I didn't do this to myself. You did it all on your own. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. You're a killer. And we can't stop you, we come running towards you. If you call love lust, then let it be. Can't wait to be you're victim. Make up a voice, tell me what to do. You found my strings once again. I think I make it too obvious when I start to run. I trip and fall, I get tired and weak. Pick me back up, I don't want to fall again. But I know you'll drop me. Put me in the box where I belong. You're going to look for a new playmate. When I'm old and used up what will you do with me? Will you throw me out or keep and cherish me, give me the attention that I need? The strings are going to need repairs. Oh please tell me that you have new ones. I want to be in your life. Don't' ignore me. Take me out to be the main attraction. Don't leave me backstage. You're painting me so ridiculously. No one would ever want me in the right mind now. I started off as something else. But look at me now. Mr. Puppeteer, I want you to know that I want to quit. So let me do this peacefully. Don't force me to raise my pesky voice. You've taken full control of me. Let me speak out, let me live. Never will I be the same. Just put me in the fire place. Let me give you some warmth. That is to be my one purpose in life. You'll be freezing and I'll be the only one there. Give me a reason to stay. Let me save your life.

"Fake"

Fight back, lose your voice
Disappear
Take away all of your sanity
This is what you turn to
Just run away, tear away from the world
This blank page with your name on it
Where did you go?
Are you gone forever?
Tell me that it’s true, you’re not my friend
I despise you with all of my shaken heart
You lie and say we’re best friends
But you never meant it; I can’t even begin to comprehend how you’v stabbed me in the fucking back
You’ll get yours soon, I promise
Poison is your drink I hope you enjoy it
Revenge is the worst to stoop to
But it feels so good
Forgive me in another life, another time
You can hate me this time
I already hate you
Best friends were nothing to you
He’s your life, I can see it now
What the fuck am I now?
Am I even alive to you now you little fucker
I’m sorry I don’t mean to swear so much, but each and every event has lead right to this very moment
Don’t’ take it too personal though
I just hate you; it’s not that bad since you don’t care
But I care, yes I do; still you don’t deserve it
Do you even deserve anything?
Do you even deserve your lover?
He’s just nothing anyway, I hope you one day will see that
Here I am saying like you’v broken up with me, I’m throwing a fit
But I’m not lez
Never have been, never will be
Go fuck yourself you whore
But how can that be?
You’re not a whore, not even close
Ha ha
You fuck
Let’s turn this game of life into a game of revenge
Who will win?
In the end I guess it won’t matter, we’re both screwed

Who cares though?
It’s what we want at this very moment
Just to get even with each other.

"Act"

Let’s turn these feelings to something else
I’v let go.
Can’t help it, I love it so much
Dance around
Scream out to the sky
Raise up your hands, lift them up high

Let go and lose all control
We don’t need the past, but the future
Can’t wait to try it on
We are new, we are free
We’ll never cry
This is our calling, we are here

Let’s turn this world upside down
But don’t tear it all the way down
Leave it alone, don’t be destructive
It’s our home, not someone else’s
Make it the best, make them jealous
They’ll never know our pain.

"On the Go"

Does she know that she's not real?
Who can save her now?
Is it all a dream?
Her one best friend is gone
Reality is here

What does she have to do to make them see her
Do they realize her (invisible) pain?
Can't she cry out?

You were her friend
Where did you run off to?
You can't just do that
You bitch! You were never her friend to start with.

And to all the people who wish they were here
Why do you beg for such pain?
You're all weak
This isn't the life

Would you like to see how it is?
To be forgotten, no hate, no love, no nothing

And if it happens to you
What will you do?
Cry out and scream like all the others
Drown in your own fantasy
You make belief world will kill you
Wait and see
The fear will bind you
Heart beat will race
Your blood will rush to take up the spaces

Is this where you want to be?
You're a bad friend
Terrible

Why did you have to leave?
She needed you
You kept her alive, all of this time
But now you're gone and she's slowly dying

I hope you're happy with yourself
You made her murder you
You're both dead
Did you even know
That you were never real?

You were fooled
I was fooled
We were all
But here's the truth.

"Falcon"

Why am I so miserable?
Why am I happy?
Is it you?
...It's always been you.
Why?

I wish I felt good enough. for you.
I wish I could fly like you do.
Can't I soar in the heavens?

I can't seem to be the girl
But you saw me as her
I was the one
As you were to me.

I loved you, you loved me.
What happened?
Do we still?
Or am I as worthless as you say I am
Just because I can't fly.

Didn't you want to find someone else
Weren't you just using me?
That's what it seemed like.

Do you care at all?
Do you know what I'm doing?
I do care! You have no idea.
My world seems like it is falling through.
It's always been you.

I wish I could fly with you.
I wish I were good enough.

"Life, Struggle, Love, War"

Are you real, make belief, what are you? I don't understand. Why do I trust you like I do? I despise it. I don't want to be attached, people leave. That's the way that it goes. There's no stopping it. I've never been able to accept the fact that you're still here. Any other person whould have left with strike one. I've strucken out but you haven't kicked me out of the game. Why am I still here? Please tell me why. Do you even know why, or are you just as lost as I am? The people on our lives ask why this is still going. Why does my heart skip a beat? I don't want to be here. Happiness is not my thing. Being miserable is better. You can't fall. Is that what I dread? Are you everything I fear? Is this it?



-Beso Beso.

"Bleeding Pleasure (Love Hurts)"

[This is what I deserve. You love me. And I love you. But slowly.]
I'm dying from inside out. Will I ever live through this? Tell me that I won't. Tell me that I'm doomed. That no one can save me. Comfort me. Make me believe that I'm far from redemption. Feed me these lies. Make me believe. So unbearable. I'm supposed to suffer. And it's working. Quite well, actually. Don't say it.... You know I do too. I'll never speak again. This pain is too much. I love it for only one reason. But the rest is non-existant. I hate all of this for the same reason. Which one? Love or Hate? Make me believe.
I'm stuck in Hell. ♥

"Desire"

For so long I've waited
These dreams will someday come true
I've wanted picture perfect
But perfect doesn't exist
In dreams one things goes wrong
It's not real...
Only a dream
In movies too
It's not real
Make belief
It's all fiction
Stop living in your fantasies
No more lies
No more fairy tales that you've created
YOu say they existed
But never, never again
I've learned the truth
Time to wake up.
Hoping may only bring my dreams close to reality
But it won't happen
Does it have a chance to live?
Perfect, it all depends on who you are.
People see perfect differently
I guess perfect is something we can't have
We wish for it
Others see our perfections
We see all the flaws.
It's like a mirror of reality
We stand there and observe
Happiness is the key to life
Others say it is love
But what is love without happiness?
It's nothing.
Nothing at all.
Perfection.
We want it all.